Pretty Balls

Homosexual Heartbreak

When I was living in a square state, I was dating a man with a southern accent. I flew him to the ocean and made love with him in front of a fireplace. I showed him waterfalls, moss covered trees and hidden caves. We drank wine in a hot tub. On a morning hike, we picked berries and made pancakes. He even gave me head while I was driving a convertible through the rain.

I knew I would ask him to marry me one day.

Shortly after that trip, Mt. Dew was having a contest, and you checked to see if you had won anything by looking underneath the cap. At the exact moment my boyfriend dumped me, I opened my bottle and it read:

“Sorry, please try again.”

Sex for Food

It is 3:00 AM and I just devoured a large bag of Doritios and inhaled a bottle of Mountain Dew. About an hour ago a gay man with a shaved head lured me with food from 7-11 to his place. The combination of six dollars in my pocket, a can of black beans at home, and nine days to stretch it out made the offer particularly appealing.

When we got there, he turned on the television and started a 1980's porno, and removed all his clothes. He had a nice body, but was so jumpy and nervous, I was not about to get undressed. I opened my drink and strolled through the small house.

The decorating was typical: a futon here, a couch there, a DNKY bottle on this, a photo of he and his boyfriend on that . . . .

I Taste Better . . .

According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, there are no cases of West Nile Virus reported in Hawaii, making me the luckiest and itchiest person on the planet.

If there are seven thousand mosquitoes within a square mile of me, right now they are flying past thousands of healthy, blood filled people, so they can have a small sample of me.

Are Gay Men Mean?

The man I have been seeing for the last three months, has started saying rude things to me. Today while eating lunch, he told me about a coupon just handed to him. I said, "I have the same coupon in my backpack, it's too bad I didn't bring my bag with me." He replied, "Oh, I'm not surprised." Earlier this weekend he had equally charming things to say but the details escape me now.

Several times now I have also heard him attacking people verbally. Sometimes it is a person in traffic, or an old acquaintance that falls prey to these outbursts. It is surprising because one of the things I really admired about him from the beginning was his respect for other people. Having spent more time with him, I find he treats people poorly sometimes, and the frequency seems to be increasing.

If you drive a car, and are thinking, "I like Menen and want to be his friend." A good place to start would be here.

The "New" Anal Sex

Last night I went to the gym to lift heavy weights. Afterwards I was horny as hell and proceeded to a park frequented by gay men. Peddling through the city I passed a man on the sidewalk clearly interested in me. Minutes later we were hidden in the trees, and he was on his knees sucking me. Frankly there was too much teeth action for me, so I left - early.

Now I was insanely horny. Shortly I found a man in the trees also eager to mess around. We eventually ended up on the ground, and since my dick was sloppy wet with spit, we had inter-crural intercourse. Providing the receiver holds his legs together, this action is surprisingly similar to anal sex.

My good friend, Explorer, says he needs to take "Cruise Control Classes" to temper his tendency to pickup men for sex.

Menen Incorporates Himself

I arrived at group therapy dripping sweat since I left late and had to peddle like Eliot from E.T. to make it on time. As I dabbed my forehead with a paper towel the man next to me whom I lovingly call "No Topic", (as it is often difficult for me to figure out what he is trying to say) yammered away about a guy he met exactly six days ago. He said Prince Charming has Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and can be somewhat difficult to have a conversation with - at least for any length of time. No Topic is pondering if ADHD guy will be his next boyfriend.

Having returned to a normal body temperature, my powers of deductive reasoning at full throttle, I was thinking, "Six days?" So I uttered my first words of the evening. "Last week your boyfriend of several years, left you. Do you think it is possible that you're pulling a rebound with this guy?"

It seemed to register.

Frankly, No Topic's six days would be an exercise in restraint for me. Many times I have met a man, and within hours or days he was "My Boyfriend". Some of those relationships lasted a week, others months. The record is eight months. All ended as quickly as they began, and each time I had the audacity to be surprised at the outcome.

Corporations often have a ninety-day probationary period for new employees so both parties can assess if the relationship will work. Maybe No Topic and I should adopt a similar policy. Perhaps I should even incorporate myself.

View Through a Glory Hole

Yesterday I went to the beach with my friend The Explorer (who is an ex boyfriend). We examined the cornucopia of seashells, rocks, coral, and fish as if we were astronauts visiting from another planet. Particularly interesting discoveries were announced aloud and held up as if we had created them ourselves.

Now I am quite fond of picking up sea urchins, hermit crabs, and men. The latter I seem to go home with and for reasons that elude me, call them boyfriends. The others I possess the wisdom to play with for a few minutes and then put them back where they belong.

The first time I came to this remote beach was with yet another ex-boyfriend whom I ultimately threatened with a restraining order. Nearly a year and a half ago we had wild sex on the sand, and again in one of the tide pools. He was charming, handsome, and at times affectionate. He frequently gave me presents, and the offerings made it easier to ignore the times he was yelling at me.

Our blissful relationship began to wane when one night I stumbled across him walking with another man into an adult video store. It was a charming place really that happened to specialize in glory holes. I sat on the ground beside a palm tree and cried.

I should have pushed him in front of a moving bus.